Hopeless Idiocy
by angelofmusic2000
Summary: What happens when Erik, Raoul, and Christine all get stuck down in the lair together? This takes place after the movie ends. Please R&R!
1. Chapter 1

**Hopeless Idiocy: Chapter One**

**Disclaimer/A/N:** **I do not own POTO and I never will. Sniffle **

**Hi guys! Some of you may know me as Mrs. Malfoy, but I couldn't have that name because someone already took it…crap. But anyway… enjoy the story! One for thing before you read, this is my first story and I'm not very good at the whole grammar thing. ;) So please excuse any mistakes! Feel free to correct any if them though! And I'm aware that this is very out of character and silly, but I just did it for fun, so if you don't like it, then don't read it! Oh, and I bash pretty much all the characters, so…yeah. ;) Have fun! This is more the movie version so I'm just going to call Erik "The Phantom" most of the time… K? …K.**

"Raoul, its Erik's birthday today. Can I bake him a cake? Please?" Christine said to her new husband with pleading eyes.

"Christine, that man is an insane lunatic who tries to steal you away from me every five seconds. No, you may not _bake him a cake." _Raoul replied with disgust. Raoul and Christine were both still living in the opera house. Raoul continued to carry his position as the patron and Christine wanted to continue her career as an opera singer.

"But foppy face!"

"STOP CALLING ME THAT!" Raoul Screamed. Christine began to whimper. Raoul rolled his eyes and sighed. "Fine, you may bake him a cake, but I'm going with you to give it to him. God knows what he could do to you." Christine giggled.

"Nothing he hasn't done before." Raoul's eyes grew wide.

"WHAT?"

"Kidding, kidding." She said, sill giggling. Raoul's face relaxed a little.

"Just go bake the freaking cake."

"YAY!" Christine yelled happily. She skipped into the kitchen. Raoul merely rolled his eyes. Why hadn't he accepted Meg's marriage proposal? About an hour later, the warm, sweet smell of chocolate cake drifted through the opera house. Christine, wearing oven mitts, ambled into Raouls room almost dropping the cake and bumping into the wall. Raoul sighed.

"Lets get this over with."

"'Kay!" Christine chirped happily. They walked to Christine's room. When they got there, Raoul pulled open the mirror and they both walked through. Faint sounds of the huge pipe organ echoed up the winding stairs. "Pretty music!" Christine said, mesmerized. Raoul kept walking. When they arrived at the lake, Raoul grinned.

"Well there's no way for us to get across! Lets go home." Christine looked up at him with doe eyes.

"Please?"

"No."

"Please?"

"No."

"Please?"

"N-"

"Please?"

"FINE!"

"YAY!" Christine clapped her hand excitedly and bounced up and down on the balls of her feet. (Plot hole...sorry. She had the cake in her hands… but I'm too lazy to fix it…) Raoul shuddered and cupped his hands around his mouth.

"HEY PEA BRAIN! PRETTY WOMEN HERE BAKED YOU A CAKE!" They waited for a short time and soon enough, they saw the small boat coming closer to them. When it reached the edge of the concrete bank, the phantom stepped out; he gave a slight bow to Christine, and Christine curtsied back. He turned to Raoul, and stuck his tongue out. Raoul however, being the gentlemen that he was, flipped him off. Christine ignored this. She practically threw the cake at the phantom and screamed, "HAPPY BIRTHDAY ERIK!" Almost giving him an aneurysm. He smiled painfully at her.

"Thank you my dear." He looked over at Raoul with dark eyes. "Would you like to say something too?" He snarled.

"Bite me."

"I might." The phantom snarled back.

"Come on, Christine." Raoul said, giving a spiteful glance at the phantom. "Let's get out of this hell hole." The Phantom looked at them for a minute.

"I suppose I'll walk you back." He said. Then he muttered, "I have nothing else to do." They walked for a long time up the stairs until Christine spoke.

"I'm tired." She yawned. "Raoul, will you carry me?"

"No, I'm as tired as you are." She turned to Erik and looked up at him with round eyes. "Will you Erik?" The Phantom looked at Raoul and grinned.

"Of course I will my darling, for _I_ unlike little pansy boy over there, am manly and strong, and _I_ will carry you because _I _am not tired." He looked triumphantly at Raoul. Before Raoul could reply, Christine threw herself into the phantoms arms. "Oomph!" The phantoms eyes bulged out. Christine giggled.

"Your fluffy!"

"So are you! Did you put on weight?" Said the Phantom, a strained look spreading across his face. Raoul glared at he phantom as Christine started to cry.

"Now look what you made her do!" Raoul said, shaking his head.

"Well she's not exactly a feather, you know!" The phantom growled back through clenched teeth and sighed. "I just can't win, can I?" Christine was clinging to Raouls sleeve, pouting. They walked like this for the rest of the way, until they turned a corner and came to the mirror.

"Finally!" Raoul said, looking relived. "Lets go, Christine." He tried to open the passageway door, but couldn't. He started to panic. "What the hell" He said rather loudly. Erik clamped his hands protectively over Christine's ears.

"Oh." Said Erik, smirking. I guess Madam Giry must have locked it by accident again. "Well, you'll just have to stay with me for the night."

"NO!" Screamed Raoul.

"YAY!" screamed Christine.

**A/N: YAY! I hope you liked it! I have more chapters waiting, so please R&R and tell me if you liked it. If so, then I'll post more! WHOO! Oh yeah, my dad said he was going to read this. (He thinks I'm doing bad things on the internet…HI DADDY!) Bye for now! **

_angelofmusic2000 ;) _


	2. Chapter 2

**Hopeless Idiocy Chapter Two**

**Disclaimer: I do not own POTO, and I never will, and if you think I do, then you need to get a grip on reality and realize that I am nothing but a poor… lonely… helpless… phangirl. )Cries(**

**xXx**

Erik laughed loudly as all the color drained out of Raoul's face. Christine was hopping up and down in circles, her hair smacking Raoul in the face.

"Why? Why?" He asked, his face in his hands. The Phantom laughed again and turned to Christine.

"Come my dear, we must head back before the fop's head explodes."

"OK!" Christine said loudly. The Phantom held out his hand for her and she grabbed it, holding it so tightly that the phantoms face was turning blue. Well, half of it anyway.

"Um, Christine?" He said hoarsely. "Could you loosen your grip a little please?"

"Oh! Sure!" He felt her hand become lighter on his, as he began to gain consciousness again. They walked down for a long time, Raoul following closely behind, sobbing quietly. When they reached the boat, they all looked at each other slowly. The Phantom spoke first.

"Not all three of us can fit." He said.

" Well, I'm not swimming!" Raoul said angrily.

"Well I'm not either!" Christine said, pouting. "I'm wearing a dress for god sakes!"

"No." The Phantom said, patting Christine on the hand. "Of course your not, but I'm the only one who knows how to steer it!" They both looked behind them at Raoul, who quickly pulled his finger out of his nose.

"You're swimming." They both said in unison, looking disgusted.

**A/N: Yes, I know, very short, but do not fear! I have some pre-written, and they get much longer... maybe even too long. )Grins( Please R&R! **


	3. Chapter 3

**Hopeless Idiocy Chapter Three**

**Review Replies! **

**Mrs. Gerard Butler: **Aw, thanks so much for reviewing! I really appreciate it, and I'm glad you like it! Keep reading! ;)

**Le Lutin: **Yay! I'm so glad _you _reviewed. I'm glad you like it! Oh, and I like your story too! (Locked in a Library!) Read it everyone! It's really good! And review for her too! ;)

**Enjoy everyone! **

XxX

The ride was quite short. And that was because the boat got a hole in it half way across the lake. The Phantom and Christine where having a nice, quiet ride, with Raoul swimming along behind, when the Phantom started singing.

"_Past the Point of no return, no use resisting, the games which we two played are at an end…"_ Christine giggled and fluttered her eyelids at the phantom.

"HEY!" A very mad and wet Raoul screamed, looking extremely angry. They both turned and looked at him, sniggering.

"Tee hee." Said the phantom

"Tee hee." Said Christine.

"Grrr." Said Raoul.

"Aggghhh!" Screamed the phantom.

"Hey! You already said your line!" Christine said looking at him, surprised. The Phantom looked panicked.

"NO, NOT THAT…LOOK!" His eyes were wide with fear as he looked at the hole in the bottom of the boat. Water was pouring in by the second.

**Authoress: Hey wait a minute! This isn't supposed to happen! ….. RAOUL!**

**Raoul: What? (((Holding up chainsaw innocently))) **

**Authoress: You screwed up my story! (((Takes a deep breath and counts to ten))) Put the chainsaw down… NOW! (((Raoul drops the chainsaw out of fright))) Thank you… now, back to the story…**

As the boat started to sink, the authoress made Raoul patch up the bottom and all was right with the world.

**Raoul: Yeah right.**

**Authoress: Do you mind?**

**Raoul: Not really…**

**Authoress: QUIET! **

**Raoul: (((Quivering))) OK…**

**Authoress: Anyway…**

**Finally, they reached the lair. Christine jumped out of the boat at the speed of light.**

**Authoress: Sending the poor, helpless, weak, (((Drools))) sexy--**

**Erik: I don't get paid enough for this…**

**Authoress: You don't get paid at all.**

**Erik: WHAT!**

**Authoress: (((Giggles))) You're cute when you're mad…**

**Erik: (((Sigh)))**

Sending the phantom headfirst into the lake… right on top of Raoul.

**Erik: Ok, this is where I draw the line.**

**Authoress: No you don't, and if _I_ wanted to draw the line, _I_ would because _I_ am the authoress! **

**Erik: Are you going to draw the line?**

**Authoress: No.**

**Erik: Damn.**

**Authoress: OOOOOH! YOU SAID A CURSE! Five dollars in the swear jar! **

**Erik: Somebody shoot me.**

**Raoul: That could be arranged.**

**Authoress: SHHH! I need to finish this chapter before I have to go to bed!**

**"Gerroff!" Raoul said, his voice muffled in the phantoms chest.**

**(((Erik is now chasing Authoress around the room, Punjab lasso in hand)))**

**Authoress: Wait! Wait! Just let me finish!**

A minute later Raoul and the phantom climbed out of the lake, sopping wet, the Phantom hanging on to Raoul for support. Christine looked triumphant.

"I just called the slash authors!" She said. The Phantom and Raoul looked horrified.

"Well call them up and tell them we're done being gay for the moment!" Raoul fumed. Christine looked disappointed. She stuck out her lip, went over to the phone, dialed the number and muttered something to the person on the other end. She came back and sat down in a chair to sulk. After a while, the Phantom and Raoul dried off and sat down in the main room with Christine.

They all looked at each other slowly.

"I'm hungry." Said Christine, jumping up suddenly.

Oh, this was going to be a long night.

XxX

**A/N: YAY! I got lots of good reviews! Please keep R&Ring! I love all you guys! Erik kisses to you all!**

**This is the part when you go down to the bottom and drop me a review! YAY**

**Val (aka: angelofmusic2000) **




	4. Chapter 4

**Hopeless Idiocy Chapter Four**

**insert random name here: **Thank you, Kathess! ;)

**Chloe Rides a Land Shark: (((**Throws Erik in a closet along with Chloe))) (I'm assuming your name is Chloe, but correct me if I'm wrong) You may have as many Erik kisses and hugs as you want, my dear! Enjoy! Laughs as Erik screams from the closet

**Virginie: **Thank you! Enjoy the new chapter!

**VegetaAgarwaen: **Thank you and I feel sorry for him too. But you have to admit, its fun to watch!

**Mrs. Gerard Butler: **TeeHee indeed. (((Grins)))

**XxX**

Raoul and the Phantom followed Christine into the kitchen. She started opening all the cabinet doors, looking for something to eat.

**Authoress: Erik?**

**Erik: Hm?**

**Authoress: What do you like to eat?**

**Erik: Napkins.**

**Authoress: … lets just say bread, shall we?**

All she could find was some stale bread and wine.

"Erik? Do you have anything else to eat?" She looked at him with pleading eyes. He felt sorry that he didn't have anything else for her.

"No… but we could all share the birthday cake you made me!" He said, trying to sound cheerful. Christine looked delighted.

"YAY!" She jumped up and down, her hair hitting Raoul again. Erik got her a knife, (against his better judgment) and sat down so she could cut the cake. Raoul followed suit. She set down a slice in front of each of them, including herself, and sat down.

"Can we say grace?" Christine asked, her eyes lighting up.

"Of coarse darling." Raoul said smiling at her. The Phantom looked disgusted.

**Erik: Hey… I say grace every night for your information! **

**Authoress: More power to ya. **

Raoul looked at the phantom menacingly.

"Why don't _you _say grace Erik"

"Fine." He muttered. "Uhhh… thanks a lot for the… um… cake… and thank you for Christine for… uh… baking it." He looked very pleased with himself. Raoul looked disappointed.

"Thank you Erik!" Christine said, batting her eyes at him.

"Anything for you my dear." He said, winking at her. She giggled.

"Well, dig in!" She chirped. They all took a bite at the same time.

**Erik: This is boring. **

**Authoress: It won't be when I make you get food poisoning. **

**Erik: WHAT!**

**Authoress: Kidding, kidding…**

Raoul was the first one to turn green. He spit the piece of cake out, right back on to his plate. Christine looked hurt. She looked at Erik, thinking he would enjoy it. His face wasn't green, exactly, but more a shade of purple. Christine was about to cry, but then, she felt her stomach lurch. She ran to the bathroom, and threw up in the chamber pot. The Phantom followed close behind her. He started to be sick in the small sink beside Christine. Raoul however, couldn't make it to the bathroom, so he threw up in the lake.

**Erik: Tell me again why anyone would read this?**

**Authoress: because it's going to get better, and less disgusting. **

**Erik: I hope so, because I think I'm going to be sick just reading it. (((Turns green and runs to the bathroom)))**

**Authoress: (((Roles eyes and keeps typing)))**

When this little episode was over, all three of them sat in the main room again, none of them hungry anymore. (I wonder why…) The Phantom was mad at Raoul for throwing up in his lake, Christine was mad at Raoul for making the Phantom unhappy, and they were _all _mad (Including Christine herself) at Christine for baking that cake. It really _was_ going to be a long night.

After 10 minutes of pure retching noises coming from the authoress' bathroom… 

**Erik: (((Comes in wiping his mouth on his sleeve)))**

**Authoress: (((Wincing))) How was it?**

**Erik: As good as it gets.**

**Yummy…**

**XxX**

A/N: hi guys! Please R&R! This one was really fun writing … hope you liked it! And thank you to all the people who reviewed for the first three chapters! More will come soon! gets evil look in eyes keep reviewing… or else…(((Evil laugh)))

_Angel of Music 2000_

_(AKA: Val) _


	5. Chapter 5

**Hopeless Idiocy Chapter Five **

There was no other word for it. Boredom. Raoul, Christine, and the phantom were bored.

**Authoress: (((Rubbing her head from writer's block))) Erik?**

**Erik: What?**

**Authoress: I don't know what to write. **

**Erik: Don't look at me.**

**Authoress: (((Stares at him intently))) **

**Erik: (((Rolls eyes and starts typing)))**

**Authoress: (((Gets up and leaves to go to the bathroom)))**

All was quiet. Then Raoul started to have an unexpected seizure. Blood was pouring out of his head by the second. And-

**Authoress: (((Returns from the bathroom and looks over Erik's shoulder.))) ERIK!**

**Erik: (((Jumps, not knowing she was there))) What?**

**Authoress: That's terrible! **

**Erik: And your point is…**

**Authoress: (((Sigh))) Anyway, back to the REAL story…**

**Erik: Do you have any napkins? I'm hungry.**

**Authoress: (((Holds out napkin holder))) Knock yourself out.**

**Erik: (((Licks chops))) **

"Erik, I'm bored. Do you have anything to do?" Christine looked up at him with round eyes." What was it about her eyes that had this power over him? Raoul laughed coldly.

"Sweetheart, he's an insane murderer who kills people for fun. Of course he doesn't have anything to do." The Phantom triumphantly pulled out scrabble.

"YAY, SCRABBLE!" Christine shrieked, making both men wince. Raoul looked terrified, The Phantom looked pleased that he had made Christine happy, and Christine looked well, happy. Soon enough, the game was set up on the big table in the middle of the room. "How do you play Erik?" Christine asked sweetly.

**(((The authoress, with the help of Erik, is now trying to remember out how to play scrabble)))**

The phantom explained all the directions to them, with many interruptions from Christine, saying things like "I don't get it!" or "I can't spell!" Finally, they started to play. About an hour in, Christine finished off the word "complication" with an X. The Phantom looked tired and frustrated.

"Complicatiox" is not a word my dear." He said hoarsely. Raoul held his face in his hands.

"Yes it is!" Christine whined. "I just made it up!" The Phantom looked over at her weakly.

"Let's call it a night, shall we?" He said, getting up from the table. Raoul looked relieved. He slowly stood up. Christine looked disappointed, but she stood up too.

**Erik: All your readers have most likely stopped reading by now, this is boring. **

**Authoress: (((Glares))) **

**Erik: Oh shit.**

The Phantom thought for a moment. Then, he grinned.

"Fop face, you're sleeping on the couch. Christine and I will sleep in _our bed._" He looked rather pleased with himself. Christine giggled.

**Erik_: NOW_ it's interesting!**

**Authoress: This isn't rated M, don't get your hopes up. **

**Erik: (((Sigh)))**

Raoul looked infuriated.

"She will not be sleeping _your _bed, she will be sleeping with _me_, her husband!" Raoul declared angrily. Christine looked disappointed.

"But foppy face, you're so boring! All you do is kiss me goodnight!" She pouted.

"What more do you want?" He said, angry now.

"I think I know." Erik sniggered, wrapping his arm around Christine's waist. She giggled again.

"YOU ARE SLEEPING RIGHT HERE!" Raoul screamed, his face turning a light shade of red. Christine walked over to him and sulked for the rest of the night.

When all of them finally fell asleep. All was quiet for about 3 seconds. Then, Christine woke up. Her eyes went wide as she realized she had to pee. Instead of waking Raoul, she woke Erik.

**Erik: Is she wearing anything?**

**Authoress: Yes.**

**Erik: Damn.**

**Authoress: You're up to ten bucks now buddy. **

**Erik: What the hell are you talking about?**

**Authoress: Swear jar!**

**Erik: (((Rolls eyes)))**

Christine ambled into his room. She started to shake him violently awake.

"Erik!" She whispered loudly. "Erik!" He opened one eye groggily. When he saw it was Christine, he opened both eyes wide and sat up.

"What's the matter darling? Have you come to confess your uncontrollable love to me, have you come here because you need me to comfort you? Have you come here to get what the fop can't give you?"

"No Erik, I just have to pee."

"Oh… the bathrooms that way." He said now looking disappointed. She felt sorry for him, so she kissed him gently on the cheek before hopping down the hallway with her hands between her legs, heading for the bathroom.

**(((Erik is now clinging to the authoresses leg, begging her to write more)))**

**Authoress: Get off me you half masked idiot! Then again… **

**Erik: (((Un-clings himself and starts sobbing uncontrollably))) **

**Authoress: (((Mumbles as she pats him on the back))) Imbecile… **

**A/N: I AM SO SORRY. That took way too long. I have been really busy with a bunch of things I'm doing now. So if you could be patient, I'll get the next one up soon! I LOVE ALL YOU GUYS! PLEASE R&R! **


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